Who Watches the Watchmen?

Do you ever feel like you're being watched over?

There’s probably 1000’s of pages of psychoanalytic theory on this topic, but I haven’t read much of that stuff. This is just my quick reflections from being a dad spending lots of time standing over my little babies. I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts.

Lilah and Silas are 6 months old now, and there are so many changes afoot in all of our lives. They have long passed the cute little grub stage, and are actively watching everything we do with their big eyes. If I have glasses on my face then Silas wants to pull them off and stick them in his mouth. If I’m looking at my phone then Lilah is just watching for a chance to grab it out of my hand and slobber all over it. They’ve been sleeping through the night in their cribs which means more sleep for us, but when they’re awake there’s a whole new level of attention they demand.

Meanwhile there is a lot time in the day when we are standing over them looking down. Standing over their cribs. Standing over them in the play area on the floor. Standing over them in the bathtub. Holding them in our arms, looking down at their adorable little faces.

We are giants to them. We are all powerful giants watching over our little babies.

And it’s been occurring to me that this experience of giant creatures towering over us — WHICH WE’VE ALL HAD AS BABIES — must be very defining for our lives. We won’t remember the experience consciously, it will be buried in our subconscious somewhere, but how could it not impact us as grown ups?

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When I was 18 years old I had what was considered a “psychotic break” with reality and I ended up in a mental hospital. One of my delusions had to do with this idea that I was being watched by higher powers. I believed that my life was important somehow in a grand narrative way, that everything I did impacted the fate of the world. At the time I was convinced that that the US government was some kind of shadow or illusion and there was an Ultimate Reality that was truly watching and governing everyone.

Does this sound familiar to you? It does to me when I read the news and see the accounts of all the people in the US who are falling for the Trump/Qanon style conspiracy theories. I feel like there are tons of confused people out there having these kinds of experiences. And I think it’s particularly unnerving to me because I’m pretty sure I know the kind of experience they are having, because I’ve had them myself.

It’s taken me having some babies to connect the dots and understand some of the profound meaning behind those experiences. That sense of being watched by a higher power is not dissimilar from what I imagine it must be like to be a young child. And every single one of us has been through that experience. That feeling of being all powerful is a familiar one to us, because as little children we think the world revolves around us. We demand food and comfort from the government in the form of our parents!

And now I’m suddenly playing the role of this Ultimate Authority.

When I was 18 I was convinced I had cracked a secret riddle. When the cops showed up and restrained me I looked them in the eyes and said

“Who Watches the Watchmen?

As I’ve gotten older I still see all kinds of riddles and often when we think we know the answer to them we just end up having to learn a whole new set of them. That’s where I’m writing from as a new father. Stay tuned to see what happens next.